Beyond Roses: Thinking Outside the Heart-Shaped Box

February 14th’s Dirty Little Secret

Here’s the Deal:

As a couples and intimacy specialist, I’ve noticed a thing or two about Valentine’s Day. Obviously, it isn’t just about heart-shaped chocolates and romantic dinners. There’s a lot going on. It’s a complex day that brings a mix of emotions and expectations about what love should be for the two of you.

Some people dive into romance and embrace it as a reason to get all fresh and rejuvenated. Others really feel the weight of this forced holiday pressing down on their relationship, leading to friction and disappointment.

What’s the Real Story?

In case you’ve forgotten, Valentine’s Day is really just an ancient Roman-Christian observation that has turned into this global phenomenon effecting the expectations of love and relationships of today.

Why Does this Matter?

For those of us who are struggling and really suffering in or out of a relationship, there is difficult meaning to Valentine’s Day. For those of you in a relationship, hopefully you see it as an opportunity to rekindle your love. However, it’s possible this one day is just setting high, unattainable expectations for you and your partner to reignite that spark—something that isn’t going to magically ignite with a dozen roses and a nasty box of chocolates.

This forced observance can make for the perfect setup for failure for most. We all know that the commercialization of this day creates pressure and an obligation to demonstrate your love with, more often than not, materialistic gifts and activities. Something like love, affection, desire, and appreciation doesn’t always have to revolve around it and, in all honesty, deserves more than just one day of expression.

The Best Part!

Of course, we don’t have to focus on societal pressures. We can just see it as a reminder that perhaps we want to pay some attention and care to our partner and relationship.

If you wish to do any observation at all, I suggest you just note this day as a time to take a step back and evaluate your relationship. Are you expressing affection in your relationship? Are you appreciating one another? Are you doing random acts of kindness that show your love on a regular basis? Take these things beyond February 14th and truly show your partner the love, kindness, and appreciation they deserve.

Here’s the Catch…

Always stay mindful of the dirty little secret of Valentine’s Day. The extreme heightened expectations that are pumped into the culture and advertising of love really can backfire, especially for people who are experiencing a lull or, worse yet, are in the danger zone.

Couple’s often tell me that they put a “final effort,” a final push, that one last try into their marriage or relationship around the time of a significant event. So, what I mean is, people will wait until after the holidays to make a decision about where they’re going or how they are feeling within a relationship. They’ll wait for either the next anniversary, after a birthday, Christmas, or, you guessed it, Valentine’s Day.

Secretly, in their minds, they tell themselves they’re going to give their partner one more chance, or they’re going to give it one more romantic push to see if they feel anything.

It seems odd that one obligatory holiday made up to promote chocolate, wine, candy, and jewelry would have any drastic effect on a relationship, let alone make up the final decisions of a relationship. But, sadly, people really do leave the outcome of their relationship hanging on the success or failure of Valentine’s Day.

The partner who is contemplating the end of the relationship says, “There’s no meaning. There’s no romance. What’s the use? I just want to be happy.”. They are waiting for and contemplating what the other partner does as a grand gesture of their love. Then, you guessed it. Here comes the set-up. The other partner did not pull off a particularly romantic gesture. No fancy dinner. The flowers were half-dead. The box of subpar candy was not big enough. Meaning, FAILURE. When we’re feeling separate and strained from our partner because of some minor conflicts, add in a forced holiday revolving around grand gestures of love, and you have a recipe for disaster.

Valentine’s Day needs to take a hint and take a hike. It doesn’t work that way. You don’t get to just turn on the switch and have it all be amazing and romantic for one day out of the year. As a sex therapist, I can confirm that being told when, where, and how you are going to be romantic, year after year, is the fastest way to put out the flame.

Wait, There’s More…

If you are going through a bad time right now, then my advice is to pay very little attention to Valentine’s Day. The value of your relationship should not be measured by dinner, roses, or a box of chocolates. These Valentine’s Day gestures do not give us the answers or guide us through a successful relationship. For a mature relationship, you need to gather a box full of tools rather than a box full of chocolates to fill your relationship with love, affection, and appreciation year-round.

What Are Some Things You Can Do To Take Action? 

Valentine’s Day is inevitable. It comes every year with red, pink, and hearts all in tow. If you and your partner decide to do a different take on Valentine’s Day this year, here are three tips to take back Valentine’s Day and celebrate it in your own way:

1. Actually talk to your partner and find out what they want to do with the day. Discuss their expectations. Then ask if you can share your expectations.

2. Together, come up with a plan that will be acceptable to both of you.

3. Re-envision what this time and opportunity may mean to you both as a couple. Take a second to do a little check–in and see if the two of you are connected. What does connection mean to you both? Are you turning towards one another for a few minutes each day?  Do you share kindness or a sweet touch with one another? Can you destress from the day together for 10 minutes? Do you listen to your partner‘s hopes, dreams, and needs?

BONUS IDEA: Consider asking some bigger and deeper questions about your partner’s wants, needs, desires, and dreams. Too often, we start to take our partners “for granted,” meaning we stop seeing them as unique and evolving people. We simply get comfortable and start to assume that their needs are being met.

This Valentine’s Day, take the time to appreciate one another without all the pressure to be amazing. Time and attention are certainly a gift of love, and if that’s what we take away from all of the red fuzzy hearts showing up in the grocery store, that actually could be a good thing.

If you are going through a hard time right now and this discussion has left you a little unsure where you stand and what you can do about it, I am happy to discuss this with you.

Want to go deeper into this topic, visit our website for help in this area.