Valentine’s Day Dirty Little Secret

 

valentines-day-dirty-little-secrets


The dirty little secret about Valentine’s Day… OK I’m going to spill the beans as a couples counselor and sex therapist I’m going to tell you something that I see happening you’re after year in my business


And it happens very commonly right after Valentine’s Day
I don’t want to scare you but I just want to let you know this.
 
I’ve noticed a trend in my office over the years. It seems to me that very quickly after Valentine’s Day the calls from people wanting to come to therapy because their marriage is a wreck increases dramatically.
 
When I ask these people on the phone why they are seeking to come to couples counseling now they tell me they’re devastated. 
Honestly marriages don’t regularly end up devastated very quickly, I know you’re saying well if I found out about an affair I would be devastated, yeah, but I mean things are generally brewing underneath the waters for a while in a relationship.

CLICK HERE FOR A COMPLIMENTARY BREAKTHROUGH CONSULTATION WITH MONICA

            
But here’s what happens…….. A lot of people put a final effort, a final push into the marriage around the time of a significant event  So what I mean is people will wait till after the holidays to make a decision about where they’re going with the relationship. They’ll wait for either the next anniversary or you guessed it.
Valentine’s Day
Secretly in their mind they tell themselves they’re going to give their partner one more chance. Or they’re going to give it one more romantic push to see if they feel anything.
Valentine’s Day already has a hard act to follow because it is supposed to be something according to the media and marketing. The expectations for Valentine’s Day are already huge and usually leave us feeling a little bit ho-hum about the actual event.
 
It seems odd that one obligatory holiday made up to promote chocolate, wine, candy and jewelry would have an effect on the relationship. Here’s what I think might be going on. You know you just can’t help  it’s like Mother’s Day,Christmas or any other event that you’re used to seeing coming. We know we shouldn’t, but we do have expectations.  We do spend time  wondering  “do you think maybe they’ll do something sweet” or “they never do anything anyway” , “ so why bother hoping”.
 
Now if right now you are thinking that you and your partner never feel that way you actually talk about how its silly to get wrapped up in commercialism then Great.  If things are going good in the marriage then a slip up or slight at a time like Valentine’s Day probably means very little.
 
However, if things are moving into the Danger Zone, that slip up can have drastic effects on the heart of our loved one.
I once knew someone who forbid  partner from giving her flowers on Valentine’s Day,  She felt  it played into the mass marketing scheme and it was  just a way to get guilted out of his money (by the way her money too).  She could think of a better way to spend 100 bucks.
Back to The Dirty Secret of Valentine’s Day
 
 
So the partner that is contemplating the end of the relationship, says “there’s no meaning, there’s no romance, what’s the use, I just want to be happy,”…

 
 
 
Is watching…
                       What the other partner does……
                                                                           And you guessed it
 
It’s a set up, not only can I not pull off a particularly romantic episode at a time when we’re feeling separate and strained

from each other because of some conflicts, but with this commercialized, worst time of year where you must be romantic.
 
I don’t know about you but everybody tells me it doesn’t work that way you don’t get to just turn on the switch and have it be amazing and romantic. And as a sex therapist I can confirm that being told when and where year after year you are going to be romantic is the fastest way to put out the flame.
 
So when the episode goes ho-hum, regular disappointing, on top of all it was supposed to do to prove we could stay together,

                                                                        OH MY GOODNESS…..HERE IT COMES……..
 

                                    Devastation,   rage,   feeling like we’re falling out of love,    that’s what’s in the air just after


                                                                                   Valentine’s Day


                            for a couple that is seriously out of sync and in trouble.
 
 
Either way, the humdrum boringness of the whole event or the secret expectation that they’ll pull something amazing
out of the hat, you know, they are in for some heartache.
 
And to be honest, this is one of the times many people bring up wanting to separate or file for divorce.

 So what are YOU supposed to do, what if You Are Not Like that couple,
 
Well Valentine’s comes every year…………….. there’s nothing you can do to stop it.
 If you are just a  little tired of it then perhaps ………………………………then let’s try ganging up again Valentine’s Day as a Couple.
 
Here are three quick trips to take the bite out of Valentine’s Day.
 
1.      actually talk to your partner and find out what do you want what do you expect what do you prefer we do on this time. And then ask if you can share your expectations.
 
2.      get on the same team and together make up a plan that seems like it will be acceptable to both of you and maybe even pleasant. 
3.      re-envision what this time and opportunity may be for you as a couple. What I mean is just give it a moment to be a little time to check in and see if the two of you are connected. What is connected mean. Well are you turning towards one another are you making sweet kindnesses towards each other do you spend time each day a few minutes hearing about your partners stresses from the day and hopes and dreams.
4.      BONUS IDEA consider asking some bigger and deeper questions around that time about your partners wants needs and dreams. Too often we start to take our partners ” for granted “meaning we stop seeing them as a unique and different person that they are and we start assuming that they’ll be there, Assuming that they’re OK, assuming their dreams are being met.
Taking a moment on any day around this time of year to just turn towards your partner and spend more time and attention is certainly a gift of love and if that’s what we take away from all the red fuzzy hearts showing up in the grocery store then……..
 
That actually could be a good thing. If we understand together what it means to us and it gets us to create a time that’s just nice and special
it’s just the time to appreciate one another without all the pressure to be amazing.  Then maybe there is a little something good that can come of Valentine’s Day.
 
HOWEVER<,
If you are going through a bad time right now then my advice is to pay very little attention to Valentine’s Day after all it’s all wrapped up in the idea that every relationship should be full of those beginning “first met you initial love type of feelings” and gives us very little hints about how to run a mature relationship. For a mature relationship you need to gather a tool box of tools both to build your relationship with affection and to know how to handle things when they come up in a every day in all sorts of ways……
 
If you want to read more about tools and ways to take care of your relationship then look on my blog  http://www.crcmo.com………&#8230; 
If this discussion has left you a little unsure where you stand and what you can do about it, I am happy to discuss this with you.
 

                                                                                 HERE IS YOUR NEXT STEP                                                           
Where ever you are on Valentine’s Day, be kind, be caring and just enjoy yourself.


Let me know what your think, I would love to hear your comments
Warmest Wishes as always,

Marriage Myth Number 4 !

 

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Many couples think that what’s wrong with the relationship is what they’re fighting about. In-laws, money, sex, kids, housework, finances, fun together, work schedules, etc. etc. etc. and the list goes on.

But that’s NOT what’s really underneath most couple fights.

One person in the relationship routinely says,

 “You never listen to me”

“I don’t matter to you”.

I feel like I’ve fallen out of love

“We’re just not close anymore, it’s like we’re roommates”.

Or perhaps even worse, they say NOTHING and drift further and further away from you.

What does all this mean?   What are you really trying to tell your partner?

The core of what hurts between a couple is the failure to make the emotional connection during the ins and outs of daily life.

Are You There For Me?

Do I Matter To You?

Will you meet my emotional needs and stay connected to me?  This is what many of our small interactions are trying to detect.  When we sometimes miss or refuse these smaller “bids” for connections (Gottman) the stakes grow larger and larger over time.  When we fail to catch and respond to our partners needs it’s like we just took a whole lot of money out of the relationship bank account.

 

When you ask your partner to help you with something even if it’s small and they make you call them to her three times, and then you have to remind them a time or two, your brain is interpreting this as a message that there is a problem with our emotional connection.

Ideally catching bids for affection from our partner is the subtle way we show our partner they are important to us and we are connected. When you reach out and your partner is indifferent or emotionally absent it packs a real punch to the connection in the relationship.

Some couples are confused as to why they don’t feel like they have a very quality marriage when they don’t ever fight. But following this idea that failed bids for emotional connection are what help to deteriorate the marriage, will help you understand the continual failed bids can lead to a disconnected and unsatisfactory relationship.

Adding insult to injury are also failed bids for repair. What this means is if a couple is at odds or fighting then one of you may be the first to unthaw and try to shift the situation.  This may be done by a smile, a joke, or the offer to help or bring a beverage.  Failing to accept this peace offering is known as rejecting the repair bid.  We reject our partner’s attempts to heal or shift the trouble because our brain is still fuming or stuck in a pouting loop. When we do not accept these attempts to repair from our partner it leads to a deepening of the conflict and often some challenging or dangerous situations in the marriage.  If a couple continues to detach and refuse attempts for repair it can cause disengagement in a relationship.  Maybe that’s the beginning stages of the “falling out of love” comments.

If you do find yourself becoming defensive and critical you may find yourself spending less and less time together for no good reason.  Sometimes it’s emotional disengagement and sometimes it’s just a lack of interest or feeling of pleasure in your relationship.

So essentially it’s not the conflict alone and that’s causing harm in a relationship, but rather, are we making deposits in the emotional bank account or we are taking too many withdrawals with criticism and lack of repair. Just like any check and balance system soon we will run out of a balance and be in the negative in the relationship. This leaves quite a bit of insecurity for you and your partner.

The offended partner may withdraw in response or might erupt in an emotional outburst saying many of the things we just listed above about how they do not FEEL the relationship is doing well.  The relationship can slide quickly into criticisms and defense or into an emotionally distant separation

What Do Effective Partners Do In A Healthy Relationship?

They recognize that there’s no way not to hurt your partner sometimes,  it’s sort of like if you’re going to dance with them you’re eventually going to step on their toes, so……

  • You’ve got to be willing to make a bid for repair when you see that something has hurt your partner (even if you don’t agree it should). Realizing very quickly that you are capable of hurting your partner and need to fix it as quickly as possible goes a long way.  Attempting to make those repairs quickly is key to restarting and rebooting moment to moment as we live in the relationship together.

 

  • When someone’s offering a repair for an action it’s imperative that you do not turn them down or turn away from them simply because your brain is still a little sore and pouting. It’s very important when your partner is reaching out to you to see that you are open to accepting their bid. This does not mean that what happened doesn’t need to be discussed or isn’t important it just means that you’re willing to accept their attempt to repair and turn towards you.

 

  • We need to know that we are there for each other emotionally. It’s hard and rough when we are really tired and sometimes overwhelmed by our own day to day stressors. When your partner needs you and asks for your help it’s really important that you be there for them that shows that you care, that we are connected.

 

  • Every couple has challenges. Over the course of a relationship you will face some very difficult turning points in the relationship. It is important that when you’re scared and really hurt one another that you do acknowledge it and set up a time to talk about it and maybe even multiple times. Sharing that you’re afraid, sharing that you’re worried that you hurt them, is really important in these times.

 

  • Whenever possible and frequently, it’s important to remind your partner that we have been through a lot, we tackled some tough stuff, and will probably do that again. We just need to work together and not lose hope. Emphasizing that you’re there for them is key.

In the face of many challenges that couples have it’s important that the couple see themselves as resilient and willing to take on the emotional challenges in order to keep stable and balanced in the relationship. If a couple understands that they have to be adaptive and to learn to grow they can face challenges ahead of them.

Wishes for a Peaceful Holiday full of Joy and hopefully a few “I’m sorries”.

Monica

Marriage Myth Number 3 – Secret Marriage Problem No One Ever Told You About!

molding the perpetual problems.jpg

WE JUST NEED TO

“SOLVE OUR PROBLEMS”

AND THEN WE WILL BE FINE!!

Alright, sit down, take a breath, YOU ARE NOT GONNA LIKE WHAT I HAVE TO SAY.

You just need to solve your problems, well, research says there are a significant percent of problems in a relationship that are not ……….solvable.   Read More ……………..

WHAT??

So this research says that there are only certain kinds of problems that can be solved in a relationship.   To be honest only @ 31 percent of problems most couples face can be solved in the traditional ways most of us think about (compromise, turn-taking, sharing).  What?  I know you are thinking right now, “you have got to be kidding me, we are doomed”.  But wait listen a minute longer.

Now you might not  know what those “solvable problems”  are for your relationship, they are different for each couple. So that leaves the rest of the “problems” 69% that are NOT SOLVABLE.

This seems really mind blowing, the things that you are at odds with your partner over, really could be some of  those 69% of the other types of problems.  These are termed PERPETUAL PROBLEMS.  Now don’t despair, it isn’t that we do nothing about these types, it’s just a really  different thing than SOLVE them.

What is a perpetual problem. Why can’t we just get rid of them?  Great Questions.

Perpetual Problems are things you as a couple are  going to be working on tweaking and adjusting over the course of a relationship.   What do I mean?  Let’s take a quick look to see if you have perpetual problems in your relationship (don’t be shocked, the answer is going to be …….YES).

Here is a list of very common perpetual problems.

Differences in parenting styles

Different goals for finances

Different needs for socializing

Different preferences for how often we have sex

Different desires to be with extended family members

Different opinions about the importance or work, spirituality, fun and vacations………..

Those are just a few of them.  You won’t have every one of these.  Some couples do wonderful with parenting and are continually going round about finances, while others do great with finances and seem to be at continual odds about extended family issues or sex.

Now when couples grind down over some of their perpetual problems over and over with the idea they should be able to SOLVE them they become at risk to develop negative communication patterns.  When those negative patterns ensue we can become stuck, avoid, emotionally distance and even argue extensively.  Not only can this be negative it can be dangerous for a couple because of hopelessness and eventual emotional injuries to one another.

Learning About Negative Communication Patterns (watch this video)

Perpetual Problems have at their heart a difference not of opinion but of deeper more heartfelt beliefs or dreams.  The reason we are not solving them is,  how do you compromise on your dreams, desires and beliefs. Solving Perpetual Problems takes a whole different level of communicating and understanding together.

So,  the real goal in a relationship is not to SOLVE ALL YOUR PROBLEMS or not to have any problems, but to know the difference between ones that are solvable an ones that require different methods to manage them. 

A good give away that you are struggling with  a perpetual problem is

  1. YOU have tried all your couple problem solving tricks on this and nothing is resolving
  2. YOU cannot even pin this one down and either we don’t talk about it or it erupts into our negative cycle when we do talk about it.

If you want to have a different kind of conversation about some of these perpetual problems then it will have to involve different talking points.   One way to do this is to follow some of Couples’ Therapists the Gottmans as they suggest some deeper questions.

You may still be a point in your relationship where you do have fondness and admiration for one another and could engage in the following questions about an area that is perpetually coming up for the two of you.

  1.   Do you have any core beliefs or values around your position on (insert  perpetual problem)
  2.  Is there a reason or story from your background or childhood that makes this important    to you?
  3.  Tell me why this is so important to you, what feelings to do you have about this issue?
  4.  What  would be your ideal scenario here, what purpose or goal are you trying to meet?

The real reason that we cannot come to an understanding about our perpetual problems is that something about our deeper wishes and needs is not being addressed.  We can’t settle down, feel heard, and understood until we do so.

Couples in my office sometimes find these conversations weird or funny in the beginning, like we are making too big of a deal.  As the conversation deepens however you will hear your partners true dreams, wishes and fears come out in the conversation.  Suddenly we are not talking about dishes, credit cards or sex we are talking about Do You Love Me, Do You Care, Are You there for me.  Soon the hopes and dreams come into view and their positions on these perpetual issues come into sharper view.  We keep molding the clay and shaping the relationship based on the understanding of one another’s dreams.

If you ever need a little help with the tough stuff check out these videos about Communication, Intimacy and Trust Rebuilding in Couples Therapy.

Warmest Wishes,

Monica Houttuin, LCSW

 

What An Awkward Christmas Wish!

 

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Choose Your Destination: A HAPPIER MARRIAGE WITH Monica Houttuin, LCSW, CST

“What do you want for Christmas?”

Choose Your Destination!!

A Happier Marriage with Monica Houttuin and Couples Counseling!!

The dreaded question from your partner.

We want to say something like “JUST SURPRISE ME”

“Be Imaginative.”  “You Know What I Like.”

But we all know where this is going.

The look on their face when you didn’t get it right or do it right.  Why is this so hard?

What does the average couple spend on each other for Christmas?

It ranges  from nothing ( I don’t recommend this)

to the absurd because we have no clue or didn’t think about it).

With that money what is it we really want to gain?

If you buy the right gift you are lucky.

Chances are you buy the wrong gift.

You spend too much, you spend too little, its the wrong size, the wrong color.

You didn’t put enough thought into it

or worse yet

you went to the drugstore on Christmas Eve and bought a gift card.

To be honest all couples really want is comfort, pleasure and connection.

All couples want is to be wanted and special to their partner.

We want to be close and improve our communication.

WHAT IF YOU COULD GIVE THAT TO YOUR PARTNER?

WHAT IF YOU COULD SPEND THE TIME AND MONEY

TO INVEST

IN EACH OF THOSE TREASURED GIFTS?

There is a way to do it.

 

What An Awkward Christmas Gift?

“What do you want for Christmas?”

Go on ask for your hearts desire!!

Choose Your Destination!!

A Happier Marriage with a Marriage Makover  and Monica Houttuin,  Couple’s Specialist.

directions-sign
Choose Your Destination: A HAPPIER MARRIAGE WITH Monica Houttuin, LCSW, CST

The dreaded question from your partner.

We want to say something like “JUST SURPRISE ME”

“Be Imaginative.”  “You Know What I Like.”

But we all know where this is going.

The look on their face when you didn’t get it right or do it right.  Why is this so hard?

What does the average couple spend on each other for Christmas?

It ranges  from nothing ( I don’t recommend this)

to the absurd because we have no clue or didn’t think about it).

With that money what is it we really want to gain?

If you buy the right gift you are lucky.

Chances are you buy the wrong gift.

You spend too much, you spend too little, its the wrong size, the wrong color.

You didn’t put enough thought into it

or worse yet

you went to the drugstore on Christmas Eve and bought a gift card.

To be honest all couples really want is comfort, pleasure and connection.

All couples want is to be wanted and special to their partner.

We want to be close and improve our communication.

WHAT IF YOU COULD GIVE THAT TO YOUR PARTNER?

WHAT IF YOU COULD SPEND THE TIME AND MONEY

TO INVEST

IN EACH OF THOSE TREASURED GIFTS?

There is a way to do it.

  It’s about re-visioning the gift that you give.

Figure out a way to PROACTIVLEY say to your partner

how can I be more loving to you?

And follow this by

‘What if  for Christmas this year we gave the gift of time

renewing, rejuvenating our relationship”.

What if this Christmas you gave a MARRIAGE MAKEOVER

to the two of’ you

instead of a 52 inch HD TV

(which certainly wont improve comfort and connection).

It might seem like an awkward thing to say to your partner

without raising concern and worry?

But phrased in the right way.

“I was thinking about how I could love you more……..

and I wondered……..for Christmas……..could we give each other the gift……..

of a

MARRIAGE MAKEOVER

more comfort,   more connection, more joy……”

Call me and talk to me and I will explain to you how you can design several hours, a couple weeknd retreat,  or several weeks of time and attention to the most important Dream in Your life.  To love and be loved.

Happy Holidays

Monica

www.crcmo.com

Secret Marriage Myth Number 2

MARRIAGE MYTH NUMBER 2.

WE NEED TO COMMUNICATE MORE!!!

 emotional-distanceOK everybody I’m gonna bust marriage
myth number two for you!
This is really important and I want to let you know that this marriage myth is very common.  In couples we regularly misunderstand that the distance and silence between us may have come about from exactly that, too much harmful communication.  This can be just as harmful as when couples do another harmful type of communication which involves criticism, contempt and defensiveness (aka arguing).

Communicating more in the same way that got you to this overheated or icy place may be keeping you stuck or dragging you further into stalemates, silent treatment and stonewalling.

Alright, so let’s say you are angry with one another, you are allowed, its normal.  Maybe you talk to each other pretty rough or contemptuous or the opposite,maybe you’re doing the silent treatment, you’re not even talking to each other anymore.  So obviously you know that is not working, not getting you anywhere.   At the end I am going to tell you the healthy types of communicating you need to do in the face of poor communicating.
But I want to tell you what you need to do first.   It is crucial and it makes all the difference going forward together. What I am talking about is, MAKING A REPAIR ATTEMPT,  IT IS EXTREMELY IMPORTANT.  When you are in the middle of your negative cycle as a couple, someone, anyone, has got to see that we need an olive branch, a reach out to one another, it really matters right now.
What’s a Repair Attempt?   When things are heading south in a couple communication it can be a crucial turnaround moment if either one of you can do one of the following for starters:
Words                                                                                       Actions
“This is not going the way I ment it too”                           (Each couple has their own
“I think we are making things worse”                                  sweet or funny actions.)
“I care about you I don’t want to do this”                          A silly face at the right time.
“How can I make this better”                                               A light joke about messing it up
“Can we Start Over”                                                               Maybe a hand touching another
“Can we take a break to calm down”                                   at the right time in the process
                                                                                                 it can lighten the mood and be
                                                                                                 accepted as a Repair Attempt.
Sometimes we would get further with a repair attempt and a restart.  But what couples often do is they try to push through when they are ramped up and this is where the damage occurs.
Here is what is suggested by marriage experts like the Gottman’s.
Instead of
Criticism                                                 use                           Gentle Starts to Important
                                                                                                          Conversations
Defensiveness                                         use                            Take accountability
                                                                                                     for your piece in this
Contempt (disdain or You did..             use                             Describe your own needs
                                                                                                     and feelings not theirs
Stonewalling (silent avoiding)              use                           Use ways to calm yourself so                                                                                                 you do not have to move away
                                                                                                             from them
Even when you learn about using safe healthy communication skills it still means you have to practice them over and over again.  That really is why some couples come to therapy to upload and practice the new skills they want in their relationship.
It is a relationship long goal to use healthy skills most of the time.  It doesn’t always happen and that is why  it is actually SO IMPORTANT TO LEARN HOW TO HAVE REPAIR CONVERSATIONS.
So remember even repair attempts that are not verbal can have huge effects.  Whether my partner accepts my silly grin or a hug, a repair attempt depends on how well we have been keeping up on our friendship.  So it is important that we are being kind and doing small acts of kindness for one another.
If these things are going on between you then there is more likelihood that our partner will accept your repairs when you mess up.    Messing up in relationships is not optional, it’s a fact of life, what you do after that can be transformational!!!!
So we don’t need more communication, but better communication, the right type, at the right time.  Tell me some of your favorite repair attempts in the comments section below.
Thanks for following along.    Watch for the next Marriage Myth Busting Blog to Come.
Want to hear a full length talk on Communication Intimacy and Trust and how to spot Negative Communication Patterns then click on the link below.  I would love to have you listen in.    Thanks Monica
http://www.crcmo.com/     Counseling Rediscovering Connections in Union, MO

3 Secret Myths About Marriage You Have to Know if You Want A Marriage Made in Heaven.

Marriages may be made in Heaven, but they have to be tuned and polished in ???

This Is The Biggest Secret Never Told.  Marriage is a People Making Machine.

Follow along in this 3 Blog Series to learn the Myths about Marriage from a Marriage and Intimacy Counselor.

sky-vortexNo one really thinks that a life like this is the reason for a happy marriage.

It cannot be that life is always good and we never have to go through anything or nothing bad challenges us.

But here is a SECRET MARRIAGE MYTH you have to know.  You probably have heard a friend or family member say this one.

“IF THEY EVER CHEAT ON ME, I COULD NEVER EVER STAY WITH THEM.   IT IS OVER!!”.

By the end of this blog I will tell you the percent of couples that researchers estimate stay together.  You will be shocked.

So if it is not a given that you are going to break up or divorce because there has been an affair then how are you ever going to “get over it”.

Couples routinely, especially the hurt partner, routinely say to me “I love my partner, I love our life, but I don’t see HOW I AM EVER GOING TO MAKE IT THROUGH THIS?”

The betraying partner says, “I feel so horrible, I can’t believe what I have done, I just want this to go away, I just want it to be over.”   and “They are never going to stop thinking about this, I don’t know how I can live like this.”

So if you are in this situation or have a friends dealing with this,  you can imagine that both people just want this whole thing to go away. We want to move on, they say, so we can go on with our life. We want to get on with it, forgive, just go on with our life.

That makes great sense that we all would want that. However, if you want to be in the group of couples that makes it through pay close attention.

WHATEVER YOU DO, MAKE SURE THAT YOU DO NOT DO THIS!!!!

Couples routinely come to my office saying the following, 5 or 10, 15 years after an affair having tried to sweep it under the rug.   They attempted to forgive fast and try to move on, but it just doesn’t work.  “Why can’t we just get over this?” , they wonder.

Emotional and Physical Affairs are intimate injuries to the most special part of a couple, their CONNECTION, SECURITY AND TRUST.

You would not sustain a puncture wound to any other part of your body and just cover it up and go on.   No you would infect, abscess even cause gangrene to that whole part of the body.

If that is your foot, maybe you can go on, but if that is your heart  I doubt you can go on in the rest of your relationship with a injured or closed off heart. Then to go on building your relationships on  punctured, wounded, cutoff hearts is an extremely dangerous and serious move.

No matter if they say they forgive you without the correct care for the injury it will not stay under the rug, it will not be healed and it is lying ready to pop out in the relationship for the years to come.

You may not know this but there are actually two separate injuries that occur with affairs.

1. This is obvious, they broke the personal intimate   promise that we had for our special connection.

2. They DECEIVED, TRICKED, FOOLED you and made you question reality as you know it with them.  Your Trust.

Both of these injuries need a particular type of healing to really heal from the affair.

Sometimes there is a one time event that happens and you come clean. That is a different type of process to heal.  The affairs that ongoing and hidden, whether emotional relationships physical truly involve deception.

Well, so do you just go to counseling and talk about your feelings back and forth a couple times and all with be well.  NO, NO, NO, NO.

It is crucial that you receive the right care for the type of  injury you have had to the relationship.  What is the right type of care.

You have to seek out a professional who knows how to provide what is called “Affair recovery”.  Now even if it was EMOTIONAL betrayal that still is is the realm of the injuries that this type of counseling provides. The dynamics are often the same.  So a therapist trained to this type of therapy knows specifically how to treat those intimate and intricate injuries.

Watch a free video to learn all about Affair Recovery with Monica.   Click on the blue Affair Recovery Button.

You need a therapist who knows how to help you Atone for the Affair, Attune back into one another, and if possible re-Attach into a new more honest and sturdy relationship.

This process helps you heal and even Affair Proof your marriage.

Are you ready for the big secret.  Researchers commonly site  a typical estimate for couples to remain together after an affair is  72%.   Yes!  we do stay.

And since we stay it is our job to heal, grow in touch and create the marriage we want to be a part of.

So despite the myths that marriages  break up after affairs, despite what your family and friends might be urging you to do in anger, couples do stay together.

If you want to save your family, the life you built, and your marriage, ………………………………..then the odds are in your favor!!

With the right care, and careful healing and rebuilding it CAN BE DONE!!  It happens evey day in front of my eyes.

Look for my next Blog that Shares another  Secret Marriage Myth that is commonly believed.

Warmly,

Monica

We know

So what is the Key, What is the secret.  It is one important act during times of hardship orsupset, so important that it rul

Is

A HAPPY ONE

Well This Is The Next Best Thing To The Secrets You Were Never Told