Have you ever thought I love you, but ….. AM I IN LOVE WITH YOU? Have we fallen out of love?
OK ready here we go: Marriage Myth #6
You know when you see that couple in the restaurant and they both have their heads down shoveling food into their mouths. They are not looking at one another or speaking, kind of with a dull look in their eyes. That’s what we are going to talk about; are they in love or out of love? How about another couple eating and heads down surfing and posting all through dinner; are they on their way to falling out of love?
Let’s find out.
There are two important things you need to know when you ask the question, am I in love?
Adults fall in and fall out of love across their whole lives according to Helen Fisher–Neuro-biology of Love.
We really don’t have to FALL IN LOVE. We just think it is always random and mysterious and we don’t have any control over whether we feel in love with someone or not, but brain science is turning out tons of research that says that is simply not true. We have got to definitely upgrade our knowledge on love and save our loving relationships from these myths of doom and gloom that everyone just “Falls Out of Love.” Listen in to find out “Where is your love” it’s deep inside your brain, find out where.
Take a Tour of where is your love and how does it grow? (watch out it is really geeky but so fun. Take a tour of your brain in love). Okay I warned you, but if you bailed on the details of that video….here is the point: If they can measure it, how come we don’t know how to give our brains a love work out when we want to…….truth is we can, we just don’t know how yet. How do you motivate your love to focus, to want, to go after your beloved with power of your heart? The physiology of love is there for you to know that love is just not an emotion; it is a series of emotional responses and systems. We can reignite, fuel and make it grow back into the fires of our hearts desires. Get Your 12 Steps Checklist to Falling Back in Love Here. Maybe you want to sit through that so you know where to put your brain power.
I would hate to poll couples around the world and ask them “have you ever felt like perhaps you weren’t in love with your partner today?” Wow, what would be the answer. Yep, you got it, depending on what the couple is or isn’t doing you can determine if they are going to make it.
So, is the answer to just be nicer to your partner? Well, what about if you’re looking on Facebook and you’re reading all the wonderful trips, adventures, surprise birthday presents, and second weddings you see. Would you ask yourself, are they just being nicer to their spouses? Here comes number 2.
2. It’s crucial that couples understand what they must not do to one another just as much as what they should do. You can deplete a loving relationship in no time flat. Listen in.
John Gottmann of the Love Lab and Gottmann Institute says this about couples and what they shouldn’t do:
Can Love Last? Probably not……..unless we take it in to our own hands to feed the passions and stop trampling all over each other’s hearts.
Falling in Love on purpose this time
We think we just fell in love but if you think back to those early days, the sparkle time, you realize you worked really hard at this. Didn’t you do some of the following when you were dating your partner:
- Watch for them whenever you thought they would be near
- Try to look your best for them
- Going somewhere with them was going somewhere new every time
- Listening to them talk, asking them questions about themselves, finding out about that interests and hobbies
- When you were not with them didn’t you think about them and wonder what they were doing.
- Did you try to find ways to reach out to them, to call them, to text them, to drive by where they were, etc.
Now tell the truth!! Are you doing this?
How much of the above are you doing these days? You worked really hard at that time focusing all your BRAIN power on the object of your desire, so what happened?
Life happens and it pushes and pulls you and if you don’t know how to hang on to one another then the very stages of life put you at risk for becoming at best roommates, at worst strangers.
Surprisingly, all of this can happen even if you lead a pretty calm marital life. In fact, you might be more at risk because the ups and downs with challenges of a “bad” relationship gave us a chance to reevaluate, refocus, have important discussions, and find out if we matter to our partner. Sometimes if we haven’t had a turbulent relationship then things become regular pretty quickly and this is why that’s bad news for the brain.
HELP I’ve fallen out of love!!!
What to do about it?
What if the object of our affection, is no longer the object of our acts of loving?
So, how do we fall back in love????????
The truth is we don’t.
We don’t accidentally fall, not naively, not knowing what things will go like as we did the first time. However, if you wish for that feeling again, it means your brain still has a neural pathway for that. That means it still has a code, it still has a map.
It’s not our job to set out on an adventure. It’s not a spontaneous happening. It’s more planned but with anticipation knowing that the right actions and the right attention to repair can reignite and refurbish a love we knew. On purpose we could get there.
Actually on purpose and with great thought we begin to leave the dishes in the sink and retreat to the bedroom early or better yet, do the dishes if our spouse usually would and continue on with our list of perhaps.
With careful attention to those random and novel acts of loving, we begin to love our way closer and closer to one another. It seems so silly, so simple, that surely doesn’t make a difference, but read on….
However, for many women, the conditions of their lives outside the bedroom can affect their interest in sex. If a wife feels emotionally distanced from her husband or believes there are unresolved problems in their relationship, it’s difficult for her to put these aside. Things she’s dealing with outside of her marriage can also have an impact. If she is having emotional problems in other relationships, these could interfere with her interest in intimacy. P.S. It might be the glue between us.
Recently a survey noted that 20% of women found a spouse who helped in household activities put them in the mood for sexual activities, while 25% said watching their partner engage in really good parenting warmed their hearts.
A recent article in Psychology Today talks about how loving may not be as random as we think and lets you measure how good you are at this. ACTIVITY OF LOVING, so read on to find out why you may have “Fallen out of Love”……..here’s how you are doing and how you can DO LOVING TO GET BACK IN.
Wouldn’t it be great if you could evaluate how you are doing in the love category. There is not one good test but because, as Fischer and Gottmann said above, we do know some of the essential things required to grow and stoke the fires of love.
The following “Love Inventory” can help you determine your ranking and that of your loved one’s love.”
Want take a Love Inventory then click below and go to the end of the article.
Loving actions over time without the wounding can help you find your way back into a loving relationship. Sometimes I will admit years of inattention or worse, sharp tongues and thoughtless actions have lead to harden or hurt our hearts.
This is the time to have some help with healing your hearts and learning safe and effective ways to begin the dialogues that lead to more loving.
You almost have the complete set.
You know what not to do–6 predictors of divorce
You Know what to do–Love Inventory
Finally the last piece
Do you want the DIY 12 step by step way to bring back Falling In Love and Building Intimacy?
Leave us a comment and let us know what you think.
All my Best, Monica